noun: feelings of anxiety or dismay, typically at something unexpected
From time to time, while at work at the health center, I get waves of something that seems to fit this word...it's not a perfect fit, but close enough. It wells up inside of me and I have a hard time moving past it. It usually takes an outside voice of reason to help me move past it. This week it was Thursday, during rounds as we saw yet another grandmother taking care of a motherless child, who we initially gave high energy milk to to support the child until the grandmother started to lactate and be able to breastfeed the child herself. This particular grandmother is in fact not breastfeeding her grandchild, and brings the child to us scrawny and starving and hoping for our help.
Now, a gracious individual, a "non-consternated" individual, sees a scrawny, starving, motherless child and feels a deep sense of compassion and empathy and sets their mind to coming up with a plan to feed/provide for the child. Heidi unfortunately doesn't always fit this category of healthcare provider...from time to time I fall prey to anxiety and dismay that I think comes from seeing so many people in this category and feeling helpless to actually really HELP them...feeling helpless to do anything but solve the immediate problem, which after a while I think may actually hurt them (bandaid after bandaid)...but I think, in reality, I'm learning that instead of getting my pants all in a bunch (or my skirt at the case may be), the best thing I can do is to pray and do my best to solve the immediate problem...in this case, feed the starving child. It doesn't sound like rocket science, but when this was the solution coming from the mouth of the cool calm and collected Scott Will, it sounded like rocket science to my consternated heart and mind..."well, we need to admit the kid, right? All we can do is treat the patient we see in front of us, we can't be responsible for what happens after they leave these doors...right?" he said. "Right." I sighed. "Thank goodness for a voice of reason" I thought to myself.
This is why I'm just the nurse. This is why I realized, while riding on the back of the Myhre's truck this week, that I'm not so sure that going back to school, and taking on a role of more responsibility is a good idea for me...I already take on way too much responsibility for things that are in fact not my responsibility in all facets of my life...it could be totally debilitating....but maybe not...I dunno...
2 comments:
Hey Heidi
(this is Karen Thrush...obviously I am not your Aunt; I created this blog ID for use on my brother's blog...but...oh well)
Anyways, I am praying for you! I am sure it is easy to feel overwhelmed and anxious at times when you see the suffering and need around you - and to be skeptical about how much you are really doing to help... but do not become weary in doing good(Galations 6); maybe you are providing "band-aids" to many of these kids, but maybe these short-term, physical acts of service and love will lead to greater, long-term, spiritual healings as the families and community see Christ through you. God is working through you - and not just through your strengths, but through your weaknesses as well! (especially through them!!)
Praying for you and thankful that you are there. Thanks for daily giving up your two fishes and five loaves to God only to find them sitting by your bedside the next morning to give again. You are doing an amazing job of this. From still being on the outside, we can tell a difference. To quote a favorite book of Lilli and Patton's, if Jesus is who He says He is, then He can do great things with small gifts. Sorry if this doesn't make since. We are looking forward to being with you guys in a couple months! Hopefully less consternated than we are right now.
love, Amy and Travis
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