being new

it’s exhausting. totally. completely. utterly. exhausting. I’d forgotten.

constant barrage of input. observations. observations. observations. evaluations. measurements. adjustments. comparisons. judgements. priorities. regulations. acculturations. assimilations? compromise? faithfulness. steadfastness.

you’d think that it would get easier as time goes by, and more and more opportunities present themselves...easier to be new. but that’s the thing about being new. It’s new. It’s not like what you’re familiar with, because otherwise, it’d be old I suppose, so every time is different, by definition.

the whole day is spent taking in and processing. always on. always asking questions (internally or externally). I enjoy a good part of the process. I enjoy being places that are different, situations and people that are different, colors and smells and tastes that are different. I love the things it makes you think about, the conundrums, the joys, the pondering of why and how and who and what and when and so forth...fascinating. I love that things and people and situations and climates and cultures are different. So thankful the world is not bland and dull and universally any certain way.

Then there’s the other part of the process that I’m not a huge fan of. The feeling outside of things. The not feeling at home. The insecurity of wondering how I am being perceived or received. The discord of not understanding and yet wanting so badly to. The battle of how much to fight to maintain who I understand myself to be, and how much to compromise in a new equation. There’s the times when you tell a funny story and not only does no one laugh but no one even understands what you’re talking about. There’s the times when you say totally awkward things and wish you had kept your mouth closed. There’s the times when you stop the dinner conversation with your topics of conversation that are evidently inappropriate for discussion over a meal...note to self: dolphin STD’s are over the line.

There’s the moments when I am surprised with the understanding and inclusion by those around me and their willingness to extend a hand across lines that are out of their own comfort zone. And then there are the moments when I am saddened by my inability to intersect my zone with someone else’s zone, to even know how to begin to try to access their zone.

Then there’s grace. I learned a new definition about a year ago... “unnecessary relationship.” That’s why I’m here. I’m here because more than I know has overrun my life and it’s impact is more than I know what to do with. My cup runneth over. God, give me what I need to live my newness in this grace - to accept and to redirect. It’s an honor but I need help.