Dear Jesus

(MSF staff caring for an Ebola pt. in an Isolation Ward in Dem. Rep. of Congo - Sept. 2007)

Dear Jesus, why?  You've not made us for this, for isolation wards and Hazmat suits and hug-less funerals, and the separation caused by death...You did not make us for Ebola...but yet you have allowed it...why?!

After reading of Dr. Jonah's death last night, I cried and cried and cried some more.  I have not yet stepped foot in Uganda, I have not met or even spoken on the phone with my teammates-to-be in Bundibugyo, but yet I cry because I think I have from afar began to make Bundibugyo my home and the WHM Bundibugyo team part of my family.  So I am beyond sad for Scott and Scott and Jennifer who have lost such a dear friend to this madness, who have no time for grieving, who are bearing such a huge part of the burden of healthcare of the region and are not able to sleep. I am so very concerned for the Myhre kids who now are separated from their parents and know that people working alongside their parents are dying.  My heart is aching for the rest of the team displaced in Kampala and in the States likely unable to return to the field/their homes until some degree of resolution of the crisis is reached.  I am frustrated and so very disappointed by my clearance for departure being put on hold potentially until the outbreak is declared over (potentially months!), and yet completely understand the reasons behind it (yet another paradox).  I in no way want to make anything harder/more complicated for the Myhre's and the rest of the team, so I wait.

I have been confronted by the reality of the sin in my heart that makes me want to see my own plans and hopes and desires through to completion in my own timing, when the root of this whole endeavor is that His will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.  Right now it is His will that I be here, that I wait, that I trust that He knows what He's doing.  But I don't wanna!!! Dear Jesus, make me more like you.

Last night as I was crying I stuck my ipod headphones in my ears and listened to a few James Ward songs.  I was given this ipod by my friends Amanda and George and their music, including these songs, were left on the ipod for me to enjoy.  Who would have ever guessed they would come in handy in such a situation as this.  These are songs that I have heard most all of my life and I feel at home when I hear them, even when they are hard to believe they ring so true.

"...Thanks be unto Jesus, thanks be unto God.  He has won the battle through the power of the cross..." - "Death is Ended"

"Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling, naked come to thee for dress, helpless I look to thee for grace, foul, I to the fountain fly, wash me savior or I die.  While I draw this fleeting breath, when my eyelids close in death, when i soar to worlds unknown, see thee on thy judgement throne, rock of ages cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee." - "Rock of Ages"

"I am not my own.  I belong to you.  So hard to cope, so hard to survive, in a cold and empty world, but there's one hope that keeps me alive, a hope that's clear and true...I am not my own. I belong to you."  - "I am not my own"

Dear Jesus, thank you.