Robyn (our facilitator) encouraged the group to consider a lot of the really real concerns, issues, struggles, battles, etc, that those of us as people without spouses (and most without children also) are and will face/experience before/on/after the field. He encouraged us as singles to speak to issues along the way and asked the "marrieds" to reflect on how they are reacting to hearing what's being brought out into the open. About 1/2 way through we got into some of the struggles that married mom's in the field have, and then he asked for how us singles were reacting/do react to these issues...well, here's where I spoke my mind and was really honest about how my sinful heart/mind reacts.
...the next response was started with "I disagree..." and proceeded to contradict how my heart/mind reacts...doh! That hurt. Did I object and say "I disagree..." when the marrieds were honest about how they/others view/react to singles and said they see us as "young, immature, inexperienced, rebels, not team players" etc etc. Nope, I didn't, and neither did any of the rest of the singles. So, who are you to "disagree" with my reactions! So as people were validating the "I disagree" statement/reaction, I raised my hand and started to cry as I said "That hurts for you to say that you disagree with my reaction...I didn't disagree with your reactions earlier. It makes me feel like my reactions aren't valid." Doh! Then Robyn says, "so what is Heidi in essence saying?" and one of the married dad's said "that this is no longer a safe place for her to speak up." Bingo! Right on Derek! Well, then another single woman validated my position using her experience from the field as an example and then another married dad brought up the possibility that those of us who are younger don't have the validity that older folks do because of their experience/wisdom, etc...and then there was a challenge of the "gory stories" bent of the program's teaching without any discussion of the "glory stories" and does conflict management really work and keep teams together and healthy and so forth...the tension in the room was palpable...
Holy Crap, Heidi! What in the world have you done?! You've barked up the wrong tree...look where it's gone...you should have never said anything...but it did hurt and they needed to know that...maybe my reaction really wasn't valid...but how can anyone ever say that someone's reaction isn't valid...you're so silly for crying...there's no need to resort to tears over this...but it's okay to cry when things hurt...you're a turtle, you should have never come out of your shell, it's safer in there, see where coming out has gotten you? The battleground of my mind was in overdrive!
Well, the mom who "disagreed" came over in front of everyone to give me a hug and tell me she hadn't intended for me to be impacted the way that I was, I knew it was the case but I was glad for her acknowledgement, another married dad told him that what I said showed him that he needs to put actions and not just lip service to creating safe places for singles to tell people what's really going with them, and later he stopped me as I headed back to my room and said "Heidi, thank you for saying what you did, that took a lot of courage."...Hmmm...maybe it wasn't all bad to come out from under my shell...
After a long hot shower and about an hour to myself in my room I headed to dinner and there proceeded to be closure of some more stuff for me around the dinner table and I'm mostly feeling better about the whole situation except for feeling like some people are looking at me judgementally or not really sure what to say to me...maybe you know the kinds of looks I'm talking about, maybe not...
Maybe this whole post seems silly to you, maybe not. Maybe you're wondering why in the world I've been resorting to tears so much lately, maybe not. Maybe you couldn't really follow what I was saying throughout this post at all, maybe you could...Bottom line, this turtle came out of her shell today and caused a ruckus but it could be that we're all better for it...the jury's still out.
5 comments:
Heidi, way to go! Not silly. Not at all. Very important. For you and your brothers and sisters and their children who, it looks like from the pictures, will be single yet for at least 15-20 more years each. And for me. And for all single people in the teams the marrieds will go to. And for the single people the marrieds will minister to, maybe alongside the singles or not. Very important for all the people whatever their marital status who need to feel safe so that they can know God more deeply, and who need to learn how to make safe places with their words so that they will be heard when they say the Gospel words. Bless you, girl! I think God is already using you as a missionary.
And tears are good for getting the crud out, for good. Love you.
yep, i'm proud of you and think what you said and how you said it was pretty awesome - most likely a gift to this training! i serve a God (and so do you) that never wastes tears....public or private.
you are fabulous!! you are doing a wonderful work! hang in there, girl!
Press on and be blessed!!!!
love ya,
alli
i appreciate your words here, and you shouldn't doubt for a second that it was the right thing to do...if the team is not safe talking about feelings in a seminar, and about more theoretical situations....how will it hope to resolve conflicts on the field, where there isn't mediation, and where everyone is more raw?
sounds like the training is great, even if uncomfortable at times.
As someone who often would rather quit talking than have to share the tears that come (all too often for my liking), I'm SO proud of you for speaking up! I'm glad you can see a bit of how this sharing of yourself often leads to being better known by others who don't flee but grow closer to you through the process. And then you're really KNOWN by them in a way you otherwise couldn't be. And THAT is a very sweet thing, even though the road to get there is hard. Press on, Heidi.
I miss you here. I'm glad you're coming back soon! (I've gotten to the point of thinking every blond youngish person I see in church is you, getting excited, and then thinking "oh. yeah. can't be Heidi. she's still in Colorado." SIGH.)
Love,
H
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