Spiraling outta control!!!!!!

Ever have moments when you feel like you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over anything in your life at the given time? Man alive, it hit me like a ton o’ bricks this afternoon. I had just come home from the Pierces after giving Anneliese the shpeal about what happened in Kampala and what my “plans” are at this point and she encouraged me to think about the implications of the whole scenario on the team here and I started wondering if maybe this is really stressing everyone out and they’re just not telling me because they don’t want to stress me out…and I sat down at my computer to try to print out an Excel file for Pat to use at ART clinic tomorrow...I had spent an hour before heading to the Pierces unsuccessfully trying to do it without killing 6 trees in the process. And this second attempt was not progressing well, and I suddenly felt my mind decelerating to a halt (kind of like the Bart car did on the road last Wed.). I had no control over the stupid computer or printer, I have no control over the next 3 or so months of my life with an imposed move to Kampala and the implications that has on my life in finding a place to experience big city Ugandan nursing/sleep/eat/have some friendship and community of some sort, I have no control over the implications this imposed move has on my teammates here or how they feel about how well/poor I handle it, I have no control over the implications of being a fallen woman subject to the curse on Eve that “your desire shall be for your husband and he will rule over you” (Gen. 3:16b) which is even applicable when I have no husband, I have no control over my tendency to eat as many Swedish Fish as my blood sugar can stand at any given moment, and the list goes on and on.

So what was my solution, you ask? Simple. I stood up from my desk and walked over to the couch and laid down and stared at the ceiling for about 15 minutes. I think I need to do it more often actually. It used to be a common practice of mine, but I haven’t really done it at all since I got here. I think it’s a Lutjens thing…